Three Hundred, A Musical

Act I


Scene 4

(The BOWLING ALLEY. SUSIE and MARCIA are sitting at a table, putting on their bowling shoes. JUDY and ARLENE are picking out bowling balls from the rack. All four WOMEN are wearing bowling shirts that say BOWLING WIDOWS on the back. A MAN is staring at them curiously.)

JUDY

All these balls are too heavy for me! Don’t they make any for really weak people?

ARLENE

If the ball's too light, it won’t knock down any pins. Arnie’s weighs sixteen pounds.

JUDY

Sixteen pounds! I could never lift that, let alone throw it.

ARLENE

C’mon, both your kids weigh more than that!

JUDY

Yeah, but I don’t love this bowling ball enough to lug it around all day. (SHE lifts a ball, with great difficulty.) How much does this one weigh?

ARLENE

(Peers at the ball.)
Nine pounds.

MAN

Pardon me, but what does that mean, Bowling Widows?

ARLENE

Our husbands were all killed by falling bowling balls.

MAN

Oh, I’m terribly sorry!

JUDY

(CROSSES to table where SUSIE and MARCIA are sitting, followed by ARLENE and the MAN.)
It means we might as well be widows, because all our husbands do is bowl.

MAN

So they’re not dead?

ARLENE

Not yet.

MAN

But you bowl, too, don’t you?

SUSIE

That’s what we’re going to find out.

MARCIA

We decided if we can’t lick ‘em, join ‘em. We formed our own team.

JUDY

And one of these days we might even figure out what we’re doing!
SUSIE THREW A GUTTERBALL,
BUT MARCIA GOT A SPARE.

ARLENE

I CAN’T BREAK A HUNDRED,
BUT JUDY DOESN’T CARE.

ALL

‘CAUSE WE’RE A TEAM,
YES, WE’RE A TEAM!
WE’RE THE WORST DAMN BOWLERS
THAT YOU HAVE EVER SEEN.

MARCIA

BUT WE’VE GOT STYLE
WE’VE GOT GRACE.

SUSIE

WE’RE TOO GOOD
FOR THIS PLACE.

ALL

BUT WE’LL BE HERE EVERY MONDAY NIGHT!
‘CAUSE WE’RE A TEAM AND WE DO IT RIGHT.

JUDY

EVERYONE’S EXCITED
‘CAUSE SUSIE THREW A STRIKE
.

ARLENE

WE’RE GONNA THROW A PARTY.
BRING ANYONE YOU’D LIKE.

ALL

‘CAUSE WE’RE A TEAM,
YES, WE’RE A TEAM!
WE’RE THE HOTTEST LITTLE MAMAS
THIS ALLEY’S EVER SEEN.

MARCIA

OUR HANDICAPS
ARE THE BEST.

SUSIE

AND YOU CAN HAVE
ALL THE REST.

ALL

WE’LL BE HERE EVERY MONDAY NIGHT!
‘CAUSE WE’RE A TEAM AND WE DO IT RIGHT.

(Dance number)

ALL

‘CAUSE WE’RE A TEAM,
YES, WE’RE A TEAM!
AND IF THEY DON’T LIKE IT (gesture)
YOU KNOW WHO WE MEAN!

JUDY

WE DON’T STAY HOME
ANY MORE.

ARLENE

AND YOU CAN BET
THIS IS WAR!

ALL

WE’LL BE HERE EVERY MONDAY NIGHT!
‘CAUSE WE’RE A TEAM
AND WE DO IT
RIGHT!

(The WOMEN cheer and continue preparing to bowl. BILLY enters STAGE LEFT and CROSSES to MARVIN at the counter.)

MARVIN

Hello, BILLY. How’s it going?

BILLY

Oh, All right, I guess, Marv.

MARVIN

Sure, kid. And I’m Donald Trump. What’s the problem?

BILLY

I don’t know. Marie’s giving me a hard time about bowling. I forgot about our date last night. Now she isn’t speaking to me.

MARVIN

Count your blessings, kid. My wife hasn’t stopped talking for thirty years!

BILLY

Maybe Marie’s right, Marv. Anyway, my game isn’t getting any better. I’m thinking maybe I should just give it up.

MARVIN

(Coming out from behind counter.)
You mean quit bowling?

BILLY

Maybe. I’ll never bowl a perfect game, anyway. I can’t even keep my average up over 200.

MARVIN

Listen, kid, I’ve seen a lot of bowlers in my time. Some of the best in the world. Most of ‘em have bowled here at one time or another. Earl Anthony once bowled here, did you know that?

BILLY

I think you might have mentioned it once or twice.

MARVIN

Yeah, well, anyway, I know what I’m talking about. And I’m telling you that you’ve got what it takes to be one of the great ones!

BILLY

Thanks, Marv, but I know you’re wrong. I can’t spend my whole life bowling. There are other things in life, you know.

MARVIN

Like what?

BILLY

Getting married. Having a family. Starting a career. There are other sports, too. I was thinking of learning to play tennis.

MARVIN

(Horrified. Crosses DOWNSTAGE.)
Tennis! You’ve got to be kidding. Bowling’s the best game there is!
SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT TENNIS IS JUST THRILLING.
AND THEY’RE OUT WITH A RACKET EVERY DAY.
THEY’LL HIT A BALL TO ANYONE WHO’S WILLING.
IF THEY CAN HIT IT BACK, WELL, THAT’S OKAY.

SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT GOLF IS ALL THAT MATTERS.
THEY’LL CHASE THAT LITTLE BALL UNTIL THEY DROP.
EVEN THOUGH THEIR WIVES ARE DRESSED IN TATTERS.
IF TAKES AN ACT OF GOD TO MAKE THEM STOP!

BUT I PREFER A WELL-LIT BOWLING ALLEY.
AND PEOPLE DRESSED IN SHIRTS OF GREEN AND GOLD.
IF YOU’LL JUST GIVE ME A BOWLING BALL
AND A LITTLE BIT OF ALCOHOL,
THAT’LL BE ENOUGH TO MAKE MY DAY!
OH, YOU CAN SAY IT’S TOO PEDESTRIAN
AND TALK OF THINGS EQUESTRIAN,
BUT I’LL TAKE BOWLING, ANYWAY.

(Soft shoe routine.)

SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT JOGGING’S PURIFYING.
IT MAKES THEM FEEL ALL HEALTHY AND ALIVE.
THEY SAY IT ISN’T BORING, BUT THEY’RE LYING.
AND WHY RUN ALL THE TIME WHEN YOU CAN DRIVE?

SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT RACQUETBALL’S THE ANSWER.
THEY LOVE TO HIT THOSE LITTLE RUBBER BALLS.
WELL, RACQUETBALL IS FINE IF YOU’RE A DANCER,
OR YOU GET OFF ON RUNNING INTO WALLS.

I COULD GO ON, BUT YOU SHOULD GET THE PICTURE.
TAKE TENNIS, RACQUETBALL AND ALL THE REST.
IF YOU’LL JUST GIVE ME A BOWLING BALL
AND A LITTLE BIT OF ALCOHOL,
THAT’LL BE ENOUGH TO MAKE MY DAY.
OH, YOU CAN SAY IT ISN’T SMART ENOUGH,
AND HAND ME ALL THAT OTHER GUFF,
BUT I’LL TAKE BOWLING,

BOTH

I’LL TAKE BOWLING,
I’LL TAKE BOWLING, ANYWAY.

BILLY

I guess you’re right, Marv. But what am I gonna do about Marie?

MARVIN

I don’t know, kid. But whatever it is, you better do it fast!
(HE points toward the front door. MARIE has just entered and CROSSES to them purposefully.)

BILLY

Uh-oh.

MARIE

Hi, Billy.

BILLY

Uh, hi, Marie. I thought you weren’t speaking to me.

MARIE

I’m not. But you could make me change my mind.

BILLY

How can I do that if you’re not speaking to me?

MARIE

I want you to talk to my father.

BILLY

Oh, he’s speaking to me, huh? Why should I talk to him?

MARIE

Because I asked you to.

BILLY

How can you ask me anything if you’re not speaking to me?

MARIE

I’m speaking to you, okay?

BILLY

So why do I need to talk to your father? Why can’t I just talk to you?

MARIE

Oh, Billy, you make me so mad!

BILLY

Okay, I’m sorry, don’t get upset.

MARIE

So will you talk to him?

BILLY

(HE looks at MARVIN, who shrugs.)
I guess so.

MARIE

He’s at the hotel. (SHE grabs BILLY'S arm and begins pulling him toward the door.) C’mon, sweetheart.

BILLY

Wait a minute!
(HE looks pleadingly at MARVIN, who flashes him the V sign as BILLY and MARIE exit, STAGE LEFT.)

MARVIN

(Sings softly.)
I’LL TAKE BOWLING, ANYWAY!

END OF ACT I, SCENE 4

GO TO ACT I, SCENE 5